I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
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