I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
