It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
Randomize
