I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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