I've blown a few things in my day
does wine, beer, and vodka mix well??
dude, everything can mix, this is college.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
Randomize
