I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
Randomize
