you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
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