I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
