saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
