My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
