i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
