I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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