I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Randomize
