My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
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