3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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