i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
Randomize
