sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Randomize
