You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Randomize
