did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
