he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
