I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Randomize
