She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
Randomize
