Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
My liver just broke up with me...
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
