Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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