guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
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