did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
she looked like the bat from fern gully.
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
