can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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