I faked an abortion last night.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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