Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
So is there a reason your dad is passed out naked in my shower? P.S. Congrats on the family dong.
I didn't get it..
I'm sorry. But to the original question please.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
Randomize
