were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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