just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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