he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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