Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
there is another microwave in the elevator.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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