shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
