please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
So is there a reason your dad is passed out naked in my shower? P.S. Congrats on the family dong.
I didn't get it..
I'm sorry. But to the original question please.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
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