nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
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