Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
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