I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Randomize
