Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Randomize