Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
