If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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