just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
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