Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
