a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
love makes seman taste better
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
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