Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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