I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Randomize
