Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Randomize
