Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
