only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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