somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
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