Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
