I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
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