so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
My dad just said "fuck circus"
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
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