Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Randomize
