She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Randomize
