Porn is love you can see.
I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Randomize
