dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
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