Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Randomize
