I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
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